


technicolor daydreams

by nekrateholic



Category: Infinite (Band), Nell (Band)
Genre: M/M, mostly sunggyu-centric, there are barely any other characters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-26
Updated: 2017-08-26
Packaged: 2018-12-20 07:01:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,018
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11915616
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nekrateholic/pseuds/nekrateholic
Summary: A journey through Sunggyu's life as a fanboy.





	technicolor daydreams

**Author's Note:**

  * For [galmaegi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/galmaegi/gifts).
  * Inspired by [good night](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/319125) by galmaegi. 



> i'm sorry for all the things i did and all the things i could have done to your beautiful works  
> i love your writing and your fandoms and really, it was an honour (although pretty damn intimidating) to be allowed to play with your fics ♡

At sixteen, Sunggyu most likely doesn’t even know what love is - or at the very least, claims he doesn’t believe in it. Teenagers tend to go a little overboard with the drama and Sunggyu is no exception. The feeling, however, when the CD player clicks shut, “Healing Process” safely tucked inside - the feeling is… _something_. It’s different than a borrowed mp3 player but maybe that’s because here, in the safety of his own room at home, he can let the sound consume him. Sixteen-year-old Sunggyu might not know what love feels like, but he thinks if it has nothing to do with this, then he wants nothing to do with love.

He makes awfully pretentious posts about it online, _the feeling_ , that he’ll grow to pretend to have never happened and glares at anyone who dares to question the magic.

(The Sunggyu of _later_ has made his love for Nell into the ultimate fanboy dream story - meet your heroes, make them notice you, do things with them. The fans love it, the band loves it because they have an unending source of teasing material and the heroes… Sunggyu isn’t really sure about that one. They never fail to say hi in the halls, though, and sometimes let him watch them practice, too so it can’t be that bad.)

*

Sunggyu’s nineteen and living in a one-room apartment in Seoul, ready to move into a dorm and eventually debut with a band, under the same label as  _Nell_ , who he has now _met_. He often finds himself wondering just how his life turned out like this.

He’s been trying to pack for a while now, so there are little piles of his belongings he has to sidestep each time he goes to the bathroom. Sunggyu was repeatedly warned that dorm space isn’t all that much - so the piles are more of what to send home versus what to take with him than actual packing. Staring at them now, it feels like one of those small decisions that end up an important factor in who you are later in life. What does he want Sunggyu the kpop idol to be like? The only thing he’s a hundred percent sure will be in that suitcase is the pile with his CD collection, with a brand new copy of “Separation Anxiety” on top, neatly bubblewrapped already.

Sunggyu glances at it and it makes him think of… himself. A tiny part of him, the part that was proud to flaunt his screaming music to his mildly horrified peers (and still is, to some extent) - that part won’t stop rebelling against the very idea of a cookie-cutter boy band and a life being whatever persona the company decides to give him. He knows, objectively, that if he works hard enough he can make a name for himself, fight for the opportunity to _be_ himself. He can’t do it alone, however, not yet, so once again he ignores the voice at the back of his mind and vows to give his all to the cookie-cutter boy band and make it the best damn cookie-cutter boy band there is.

The band in question is still incomplete - he’s been told there will be up to two more people in the team so nothing’s really set in stone but the contract is there and that’s a fact. Sunggyu hasn’t known his newfound bandmates for very long and they’re still squeamish around each other. They’re nice enough, however, and they all want the same thing in the end - music, so he’ll be damned if he doesn’t try his best to make a real team out of the awkward teenagers all of them really are.

(Years later, when the MCs finally say _Infinite_ for the first time and the confetti rains down and everyone near them starts bowing and congratulating - it’s like time has stopped. It’s like time has stopped in the most cliched romcom moment and all that’s left are seven guys and their dreams. Except their dreams feel real now, like something they can touch, something they can hold in the form of a cheap M Countdown trophy and something they can take home and show to their parents. It’s emotional and overwhelming and Sunggyu can feel the tears at the back of his throat but he does not, _will not_ let them out because no one quite knows what’s happening, Sungjong is a mess and if there ever was a moment where he needs to be strong for all of them, it’s now. So Sunggyu stands there in his stuffy leather outfit and does his best to exude confidence and gratitude for both his band and the audience. For the first time in his life he’s glad it’s the actual track instead of just the instrumental of the song blasting through the stage’s speakers.)

*

When “Slip Away” comes out Infinite is busy with the release of their second Japanese single but it’s okay, because Sunggyu has preordered it before they even left for Japan. Back in Korea, Infinite are busy preparing for “Infinitize” and by the time they start promoting on music shows, Nell have already stopped. Both in Japan and Korea, Sunggyu religiously watches the live videos every night, trading precious sleeping time for a few minutes of the magic that is Kim Jongwan on a stage, even through a laptop screen.

In the height of promoting “The Chaser”, the “Standing in the Rain” live stage happens.

Sunggyu misses _that_ performance live like he misses all the rest - he barely has time to close his eyes, let alone follow Nell on their live shows. He still watches the video like he has done for the past month or so, and it feels like Junghoon, Jaewon - all of the people in the audience are clapping in the rhythm of his heart (or maybe it’s his heart that stutters and changes to match its pace to theirs). “Standing in the Rain” isn’t even his favourite song on the album, and the recording will never, ever come close to the magic that Jongwan manages to weave live, but it’s quickly climbing Sunggyu’s personal chart anyway.

It reminds him of the first Nell concert he got to see from backstage, the first concert of anyone he got to see backstage, really, when he stared at Jongwan backlit by blue light and singing “Stay” while Sunggyu’s heart fluttered, his mouth going dry. It had been almost a cathartic experience, like he discovered them all over again, just like that beautiful afternoon when he first let Jongwan’s voice fill his room back at home.

It suddenly hits him, then, how it’s already been two years since Sunggyu is a musician on a stage, leader of a very popular band, how he’s signed under the same label as Nell and knows the members personally and yet the way he feels when he sees Jongwan, all of them, really, hasn’t changed one bit from the way he felt back at sixteen, alone in his room with “Healing Process” playing from his speakers.

It’s probably closer to worship than it is to love, Sunggyu thinks. It’s like Jongwan is some mythical deity with Nell as his pantheon and all Sunggyu really is is a devoted believer. He lets his eyes close and the music surrounds him like water. Drowning suddenly does not seem scary at all.

(The first stab to the worship theory, weirdly, comes in the form of Kim Jongwan saying _thank you_. There’s something in the way he says it, something in the way you can hear the smirk in his voice. Something in the way his face is half in the dark but Sunggyu can imagine it so clearly. It stirs something he doesn’t want to think about, something very _real_ and _human_ and he wastes more precious sleep time to watch the video three more times. At least one of them is just an excuse to hear that _thank you_.

That night, in all of the two hours of sleep he gets, Sunggyu has complicated dreams he doesn’t remember but he does remember they involved Jongwan.

He finds it hard to meet the man’s eyes the next time they see each other, for some reason.)

*

“Another Me” happens and “Shine” is a part of it, which means quite a few afternoons stuck in a studio with Jongwan going over every single thing a million times because neither of them do things by halves. By now, the worship theory is completely gone - there is only so many times you can bump into someone in the bathroom, or learn how their hair looks when it desperately needs a shower, or see them spill their coffee... Or do all the things every human being does, really, before you realize they are, in fact, a human being and not the flawless god you’ve regarded them as. Those same things also happen to have the side effect of making it especially hard to try to imagine some girl he’s singing about, instead of Jongwan behind the mixing board.

When it comes to music, Jongwan is still a wonder Sunggyu hopes to be like one day. It results in quite a few all-nighters for him, both for “Shine” and the rest of the album because Sunggyu needs it to be perfect and more than that he needs to make Jongwan see him as a musician instead of the awkward fanboy he met in a basement all those years ago.

So Sunggyu works his ass of, tires himself to a point where the rest of Infinite start giving him increasingly frequent worried glances and one afternoon Jongwan just takes off his headphones and motions for Sunggyu to stop.

“Okay, we’re close enough to finishing that a little break won’t hurt anyone.” Sunggyu opens his mouth to protest, but Jongwan lifts a finger in warning. “I’m all for perfection or as close as you can get to it, but we are going to go out now, have dinner with Jungryul or your band or my band or something, and you’re going to turn in early tonight.”

Sunggyu frowns at that. “But -”

“One of these days you’re going to pass out in that booth,” Jongwan interrupts, his voice soft. “And trust me, that’s not a fun experience.”

Sunggyu has nothing to say to that, so he quietly follows Jongwan out of the studio.

They end up getting take out with each of them heading home, Sunggyu with six bonus meals because he is a good leader. Jongwan is kind enough to help him carry them until they have to go their separate ways.

Sunggyu eats in silence and waves off his bandmates’ offers of socialization afterwards. He lies in bed, instead, staring at the ceiling, trying not to imagine what would’ve happened if Jongwan had walked him and his seven boxes of Thai back to Infinite’s dorm.

(Years later, when “27” happens, Jongwan produces the entire album, which is a lot more than one song and Sunggyu has quite a lot of cases of stolen breath. It gets easier with time, not _easy_ , but easier. Still, the first day Tablo shows up in the studio alongside Jongwan, Sunggyu retreats to the bathroom where he locks himself in a stall and stares at the wall for five minutes straight, just breathes and tries to come up with a plan to survive the sheer wall of creative energy in the damn studio.)

*

Nell are recording again, and Sunggyu is now cool enough to casually come and watch them do it. The recording session ends but Sunggyu lingers, probably damaging his cool and casual facade but it’s not like he’s fooling anyone anyway. Jongwan’s voice and Jaekyung’s guitar lines are still in his head, filling his brain like cotton - or cotton candy, maybe, because it’s _nice_. It takes a second to notice someone’s talking to him.

“We’re going out to eat, why don’t you come with us?” Junghoon’s voice is calm and Jongwan smiles which doesn’t really help the cotton candy in Sunggyu’s brain but he’s been through various versions of this situation enough times already, he knows how to not make a fool of himself.

It sounds like a great idea, honestly, and it makes Sunggyu’s heart beat a little bit faster. He has plans, however, and he’s about to say as much, excuse himself, even if that’s not exactly what he wants.

Jongwan beats him to it. “Come with us,” he says, and Sunggyu gulps. “I talked to Jungryul and he said it was fine. Let’s not make the others wait.”

The decision isn’t a hard one at all.

They end up sharing a taxi to the restaurant and Sunggyu’s heart is racing in a way it never has when they spent so many days stuck in the studio for “Shine”. Or maybe it _has_ and Sunggyu has simply forgotten. He wonders if he’ll ever be able to look at Jongwan and not see the man he spent most of his teenage years obsessing over.

He knows, now, that what he so foolishly thought to be pure admiration for Jongwan as an artist has firmly settled into very-far-from-platonic affection. Maybe even love. Somewhere along the way, those became the only words that could accurately describe the sudden lack of air that that possessed every space Sunggyu happened to occupy with Jongwan at the same time.

At the restaurant, everyone is already seated with enough beer and soju for all of them. Sunggyu hasn’t had much to eat all day but he’s not about to be the only one to refuse alcohol - and he doesn’t really want to, anyway. The first beer hits him quickly but Jongwan is next to him, stealing his air as usual and - Sunggyu keeps drinking.

They talk about today’s session and make plans for tomorrow’s, talk about guitar riffs and foreign bands and Sunggyu tries to make a mental list of all the names he’ll have to check out when he has the time, praying he’ll remember them tomorrow. He listens more than he talks but it’s comfortable, rather than awkward.

As the evening winds down Junghoon bids them goodnight with Jaewon following right after. Sunggyu gets up too, alcohol swimming in his head. It’s hard to keep his eyes open. “I should go too,” he says, swaying a little. “I have... I have kids to look after.”

Jongwan is shaking his head and pulling his phone out. “I can’t send you home like this,” he says. “What would the others say?”

Sunggyu thinks about how at least one of his band members probably has his phone on stand-by already, just waiting for Sunggyu to come back and embarrass himself on camera. He snorts. “It’d be nothing new to them.”

Jongwan smiles. “Not what they’d say about you, what they’d say about me.”

And this is how, somehow, Sunggyu of twenty-four finds himself in a taxi with the man of his dreams, headed to said man’s apartment. His tipsy brain supplies a hundred ways this could go wrong, and a few of them feel very, very right. The ride is silent and maybe it’s the alcohol but Sunggyu feels static, like time doesn’t exist in this car, like life is something that happens to the world outside. The city is really pretty as it passes by and Jongwan is quiet and unmoving next to him. Some song tries to make its way in Sunggyu’s mind, something about _standing still_ , but the lyrics never quite manage to reach the surface.

When he stumbles out of the taxi Jongwan is there to support him and there is a smile hiding in the corners of his mouth. Sunggyu thinks it should probably be more awkward than it is. Jongwan’s body is warm, though, so he just leans on him and wishes time would stop for a while.

Jongwan lets him have the couch, brings him a blanket, pillows, a glass of water. “Jungryul said he’d come to pick you up tomorrow because you don’t have a schedule until the afternoon.” he says, and it takes a second for the words to sink in. Right, Sunggyu thinks. Schedule. Band, life outside of this room.

Maybe it’s the alcohol in his veins or maybe it is the low lighting in the living room and the moonlight that gives Jongwan a weird glow, like he’s something ethereal, magical.

Maybe it’s one of those things or maybe it’s all of them and then some, but as Jongwan goes to turn off the light and leave him be, Sunggyu rasps a, “Hyung, wait.”

It feels like every second of his life so far has lead to this very moment, as Sunggyu gathers all of his liquid courage and says, “I like...”

Liquid courage is a fickle thing, however, and it leaves him just as fast as it came. “Your couch.” He finishes lamely and Jongwan laughs.

“I hope it treats you well.”

And that’s that. The living room is dark and Jongwan is gone, the door to what is probably his bedroom clicks shut and Sunggyu’s chance to maybe face his feelings for real, finally, slips away. “I like you,” he says to the pillow but it means nothing now. _Tomorrow_ , he promises the angry moths in his stomach and prays the determination survives until then.

(A few years into the future, but not many, Sunggyu would finally get to perform a Nell song on stage - not at home, not drunk while someone conveniently films it, but on a real stage. They’d talk about his embarrassing past as a Nell fanboy and bring Jongwan on stage and it would be like the past six years of knowing the man have vanished in thin air. Jongwan would quietly make fun of him and Sunggyu would want the ground to swallow him whole, probably, except Jongwan would be smiling and Sunggyu would know, without a doubt, that he would be treated to coffee in the near future, because as much as Jongwan likes to tease him about them, the legends of Sunggyu’s fanboy days make him stupidly soft.)


End file.
